What to do if you argue in front of the kids

What to do if you argue in front of the kids

Communication is such an important component of marriage. In addition to communicating about life in general, it is vital that you communicate with your partner when you are feeling frustrated or hurt. Unfortunately these conversations can turn into yelling matches heated at times. I have heard people declare that they never argue in front of the children. I think that is really admirable. But it’s not us. There are times when Alex and I  argue in front of the kids over silly things like being late or the messy house. Sometimes the arguments are less trivial than this and sometimes they are more serious.

I feel so rotten when I’m giving my hubby a big tongue lashing and I remember the kids are in the room.  And being the recipient of marital scolding when the children are an audience is humiliating and frustrating.

If you have ever had a child come up to you immediately afterwards and say, “Mummy, you shouldn’t talk to Daddy like that, you need to apologise.” you truly feel put in your place. I’m not even going to say this may have happened to me. It certainly has happened to me, and that five year old Mr. Sensitive was 100% correct. (Silver lining, at least he knows the right way to behave!)

So what can you do if you argue in front of the kids?

  1. Just Stop.
    This is a great piece of advice I read recently about yelling. When you hear yourself doing it. Just stop. Sometimes I start yelling without thinking, but my motto has become when I realise, I just stop. Right then. In the middle of the argument if need be.  I will take some breaths and start talking calmly. If it’s a situation where it’s impossible to stay calm, I’ll ask for a time out and then seek to resolve the issue later. Most of the time, the issue doesn’t seem that large later on anyway. I used to hear myself yelling and think, “Oh well, I’ve started now.” or “I don’t care if the kids are listening, I’ve got to say this.” No, I don’t have to say anything in that tone of voice. I need to exercise self control. If there are large issues that you need to deal with, seek help. It’s better to battle out your issues in front of a trained counsellor rather than in front of your children. It’s better for your family altogether to work productively on your issues.
  2. Ask your spouse for forgiveness.
    Following Master 5’s advice is a good point to start. It’s always good to apologise. Not the “I’m sorry, but you made me so angry because…” type of apology. Apologise and be sincere and genuine. Apologising doesn’t mean you are going to ignore issues that still need to be dealt with, but it’s a commitment that you are going to deal with them the right way. If you have argued in front of the children, you should also apologise in front of the children. Kiss and make up in front of the kids. There’s nothing that gives a child more security than seeing Mummy and Daddy being loving, especially after a marital battle.
  3. Apologise to the children.
    I think it’s important to apologise to the children if they have had to witness you fighting. You have upset what should be their safe haven. They need to know that adults make mistakes and that it’s not OK. There’s no sense being hypocritical and insisting that your kids don’t fight with their siblings, but it’s OK if you want to have a stoush with their Dad, then there’s different rules for adults.
  4. Reassure your children
    Let your children know that you still love each other, even though you were mad at each other. There is so much divorce around, that even if you have a solid marriage, when children witness fighting, divorce is often a conclusion they jump to. Reassurance can give children the feeling of stability that Mummy and Daddy are going to stay together, even if they disagree.  You don’t always need to talk about it immediately after an argument, although, sometimes that is necessary.  Find a calm time and talk to your child about when Mummy and Daddy fight. If your child is worried, you want them to feel safe to voice their concerns to you also so you can put their little hearts at ease again.

It’s our job to make our children feel safe and secure. Fighting in front of the kids does not make kids feel this way. But if it does happen, (because like my husband and I, you are a flawed human and have married a very  flawed human), deal with the situation and keep moving on. It becomes a great opportunity for you to teach your child how to resolve conflicts and maintain a healthy relationship. Creating communication with the children and being willing to apologise and demonstrate humility is also a great life lesson that your kids can observe by watching you.

Do you fight in front of the kids? What strategies have you used in your family to get over fights or to prevent Mum and Dad arguments in front of the children?



Continue Reading

Guiding Our Children in a Sexualised Society

Pole dancing kits for girls, high heel shoes for babies, pornography symbols and images on children’s pencil cases and sexually suggestive slogans on children’s clothing. These are some of the more shocking examples of the landslide of sexualisation that is sweeping our children as they helplessly stand in it’s passage.

Sometimes a landslide isn’t always dramatic, landslides often happen as little by little it creeps forward and erosion gradually occurs before a catastrophic result.  There are examples of subtle forms of sexualisation everywhere.  Music videos with suggestive lyrics, dance moves, skimpy clothing, airbrushing in magazines, billboards flashing bare skin and adult content and innuendo in advertising.

The result of our kids being caught in this landslide is grave. Girls who get caught in this sexualised society can have low self esteem, unrealistic body image, anxiety, eating disorders and depression. And that is just the beginning.

Boys can also have these side effects. The other danger is that boys are receiving an inaccurate message that girls are a commodity. We need to raise our young men to value women and not think of them as a sexual service station.

Sexualisation is defined as making something sexual in character or quality, or to become aware of sexuality, especially in relation to men and women.  Thanks to our hyper-sexualised society, adult sexual concepts have crept into children’s worlds. Of course kids are simply not cognitively ready to handle sexual content. Before coming to terms with your sexuality, you first need to be confident in your own self and your own worth. Becoming a secure and balanced person should be the focus during childhood and teenage years. There should not be a pressure to be sexy or sexual.

Wishing for a future with no sexualisation
Wishing for a future with no sexualisation for our children.

Sadly sex is cheapened and it’s value diminished as it becomes a major cog in the wheels of popular culture. So often children growing up in families who are very cautious to what their children are exposed to still receive mixed messages in the sexually saturated society.

So how can we guide our children through this sexually saturated society?

There is a lot to be said for limiting exposure to sexual images and content. I make no apologies for keeping my children sheltered from concepts they are not ready to deal with.  I think it would be naive to think that you can simply shield your child from all the sexual onslaughts that seem to soak every street corner. not to mention the dangers lurking online. (For heavens sake, a child searching for a You Tube clip on Dora can inadvertedly come across a whole heap of “Dora” that would make Boots and Diego blush.) I think it’s important to speak to our children and teach them to be critically aware of issues so they can be on guard and responsible.

Here are some ways:

Watch TV with your children
Yes, this can be a chore. But hey, you may have noticed that parenting is full of chores. ABC 3 isn’t always compelling viewing for an adult or you’d prefer to be catching up on work rather than viewing a music clip. However, as you watch, there is a good chance that you will start noticing hidden messages (or perhaps not so hidden?) that are in these shows that are not part of the values your family upholds. Discuss with your child, (not lecture), the issues which will gently guide their awareness so they are not blindly being indoctrinated. This applies to all forms media and popular culture.

Set Boundaries
Don’t be afraid to not let your child watch certain things. Or wear particular clothing. Or listen to inappropriate music. Explain to your child why you have set those boundaries and communicate that you make these boundaries because you love them. If they’re not feeling the love. Remain strong. The love will catch up to them someday!

Role Model
Mothers be careful about what you are communicating to children through your actions. Don’t obsess about your weight and image in front of your children. Eat healthily with them and resist the urge to do fad diets. Fathers treating your family, and women in general, with dignity and respect is a particularly strong role model for your kids. A Father’s positive words and actions have enormous influence on his daughter and his behaviour is a guide for a son’s attitude toward women.

Challenge the Status Quo
Don’t just protect your own family from our sexualised society. Speak out for the benefit of your own children and those voiceless children who are suffering from the side effects of this sexual pollution. Sign petitions, write letters of objection, speak out against sexualisation or post links to articles on social media. Join websites such as Collective Shout and become aware and engaged in the fight for purifying our culture. The challenge may seem insurmountable, but little by little our collective voices can make a change!

The Australian Psychological Society has more detail on helping girls have a healthy self image.

Let’s call our families and our society to a higher level. Remember, the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

This is another post in the series I am doing for my friend Letitia. She is cycling 40km in 40 days Cycling Challenge and seeking to raise awareness about women’s issues for her 40th birthday. Tish speaks on this video about sexualisation.

I did a double take when I saw the shirt she was wearing at first! I get so mad when I see blokes wearing shirts like that. How dare they expose my children to soft porn. How.Dare.They. I hope Tish burned the shirt when she was finished with it. It did help her make a good point though.

Fighting for Our Daughters Ride | Week 3 from Toowoomba City Church on Vimeo.

If you want to support Letitia and make a donation, head to City Women and follow the links.

Has the sexualisation of our society ever made you mad? What limits do you set in your family to protect your children?

Continue Reading