Radiation Return

Here I sit. Again. Yes, I’ve been here before. In this room, sitting waiting. I’ve checked in to reception before. It all is so familiar. I’ve had the chat about the bill it will cost before. So I know that is yet to come. Even living in a country with good medical access and having insurance on top of that, staying alive is costly.

That’s what I’m trying to do. Stay alive. For a bit longer. Time. Sometimes you can buy time. How much would you pay for a few more …. ? Well I don’t even know what I am paying for. Days, months, years? What about minutes or hours, would you pay for those?

Of course there is prayer. It’s the free ticket out of here. I don’t think prayer is a lottery. But sometimes it feels like it. Oh, there’s people that will tell you that there are free tickets of healing are available to everybody. Which makes me relieved that my belief is that unanswered prayer is a mystery. Because otherwise, what have I done wrong? Why isn’t my free ticket working?

The God I worship loves infinitely. I have peace in the midst of my turmoil. A peace that divine love will still be present during the best case scenario of healing or the worst case scenario.

Someone told me that they were healed, “God is good!”, they exclaimed. I’m not healed. But God is still good. I believe that.

I haven’t given up hope though. I hope that the true statement is, “I’m not healed YET.”

The nurse is understanding. She can see that I’m a frequent flyer in the medical corridors. A patient used to conversations behind locked doors. Used to parroting my name, address, birthdate. I may be young but I have the demeanour of the long term patient. The innocent caught up in the criminal activity called cancer.

I sit. I wait. It is a surprise when you don’t have to wait. You learn how to become productive during waiting.

Time. I don’t want to waste the minutes. Being a stage IV cancer patient teaches you that life is precious. A realisation that is always there. But when your mortality feels precarious, you are aware all the more. Even still you find yourself wasting minutes. Fighting, scrolling, sighing, loss of concentration. Before I berate myself, I realise wasting time is being human. We all do it. I just want more time to waste. And even more time to live productively.

Photo taken this week after a long day in hospital corridors and medical offices. The sumptuous lambs wool red draped cardigan was kindly given to me by a friend on Sunday. I love it, plus such a beautiful gift makes me feel wrapped in love.

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1 Comment

  1. You sharing this is incredible Caitlin…hearing your heart, it is beautiful. You are a gift, a precious gift. Thank you for allowing us to journey with you this way. XXXX

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