I am stressed.
I’m tired, I’m worn out, I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m fraying at the edges. For goodness sakes, don’t pull a thread. I’ll completely unravel.
So is The Accountant.
And he keeps pulling at my edges. Don’t worry, I’m doing some serious pecking back at him. In fact, do worry about that. It’s not doing either of us any favours. It results in a howling fight when something simple happens. Like when I went to feed the babies.
And I find that there is no container of homemade baby food that should be in the fridge.
Because The Accountant fed it to the dog.
Yes, that’s right. The dog. There were at least two meals there. That’s six meals for any one baby. A lot of baby food. Oh dear. Yell I did.
His disclaimer was that he checked with me first.
Which he did.
He had held up a container. “Should I throw this out?”
“Is it chicken soup?” asks I. “If so, yes. It’s old.”
“Yeah. It looks like something.” says he.
It was mashed pumpkin, choko and pear.
“Yum, yum.” says the dog.
“How did that look like chicken soup?” I storm at him next day.
“It looks horrible and smells bad.” is his defense.
But it’s more then crying over lost baby food.
After nine months of interrupted sleep. I’m so weary. And for the last week the babies haven’t been having long enough sleeps during the day. I’m trying to feed them more. Adjust sleeping times. Vary the routine. It’s just not happening. They are tired though. Which means extra grizzles from them. It seems that I’m constantly trying to settle down more than one baby at a time, and not able to settle down more then one baby because nobody is completely settled before I move to the next one.
I’ve people around all the time. I love and appreciate them all. But sometimes I just want my own space. And then, in the irony of life, I want to be with people as well. My regular groups that I’ve been a part of over the years and loved, like my church home group and my mother’s group disintegrated last year. Right when I need them. I’m still friends with the people. We still catch up occassionally. And if you are one of those people reading this, don’t feel bad. I know it’s life, I don’t blame you. I could be organising get togethers as well. But there’s just something about a regular meeting. You don’t need to organise catch ups. You just meet. It’s easy and it’s supportive. Of course the other irony is, often I’m relieved that there isn’t the stress of having to go somewhere consistently.
Meanwhile, I’m having massive problems with the two older boys. T-Star is throwing full on mega two year old tantrums. J Boy’s behaviour is truly atrocious. Completely abominable. I’m embarrassed. I’m upset. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. They are both are children with a strong will. It’s going to be a wonderful asset when they are men. If they get to that point. Right now, I have my doubts. I am so often saying all the wrong things. The experts. They’d eat me alive. There is so much room for improvement it’s not funny.
Yesterday I packed a suitcase for J Boy so he could move out of home.
It was the first time he had threatened to run away.
He had been completely naughty. Total meltdown when asked to do his homework. He had refused point blank to follow any instruction. Moments where you are at complete loss (happens often right now) shouldn’t be allowed to happen when one is so sleep deprived. All I could do was pray for divine guidance, because me. I was out of tricks.
And so he wanted to run away. I offered to pack his bags because I agreed. He needed to leave, he wasn’t participating as a member of our family. God had placed his Daddy and I as his leaders and he was rejecting our leadership and refusing to be considerate to his siblings. So it was time for him to leave our family. He started wailing. He really thought I was throwing him out on the streets. It broke my heart. He has no idea how deeply I love him. So I cried as well.
It had full dramatic impact.
He’s crying saying he didn’t want to go. I’m crying saying I don’t want him to go and I’m going to miss him. “Mummy,” he sobs, “I need to stay here for you to keep me safe.”
“I know,” sobs I, “What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know.” Sobs him. “I don’t know where I’ll live. I’ll come back Mummy. I’ll come back when I’m good.”
We were able to sit down again and talk about what is necessary for him to be a part of our family. We hold hands and pray. He finally does his homework. And then in a tiny voice he asks. “Am I allowed to stay in our family now?” Break. My. Heart.
Anyway. That’s all I want to say for now. There are hard patches in life. I’m hitting one right now. If you are the praying type. Please pray for me. I really need it.
.JPG) |
| One of the many sad faces in our home of late. |
14 Comments
Your honesty is beautiful. Will pray for you. Just remember you do have a big job with 5 small personalities. Life sounds just plain hard- but you know you might’ve given an understanding moment to other mums out there who feel the same. I am waiting for the birth of my third baby (only one!!) and I know there are going to be days and weeks like the one you just described. Your blog is a blessing, thankyou for being real.
So many Mums would refuse to express such honesty. In doing so, they’d have no chance of encouraging others like me, the way you do, and no chance of people knowing they Need! Prayer! Right! Now!
You, on the other hand, are awesome. Prayers going up for you my friend.
And I am sorry about the baby food and the dog.
Oh Caitlin,
I read this laughing and crying at the same time. … I more than can relate, minus the triplets! I cannot begin to imagine the stress you must be under.
I am praying for you and thinking of you often.
Hang in there and keep telling yourself .. ” this too shall pass” .. its my mantra of late!
xo Mary K
Like anyone who’s not in your situation, I have no real idea what you’re going through. All I can do is pray… which I surely will. xx
Praying! x 7 for each of you!
Hi Caitlin, thank you for your post on my blog. It meant a great deal to me.
Your honest in this post is wonderful. Parenthood IS the most rewarding journey we are on, but it is not the easiest.
For what it is worth, today, my husband and I met a grown up triplet. He said being a triplet was wonderful and gave us such kind words that it made my heart soar. It’s not going to be easy, but at the end of the proverbial day, it’s worth it.
Thank you so much for your honesty in your post! I know how hard some days or even weeks can be with my twins I can’t even imagine what it would be like with triplets and 2 older boys! I have to admit that your post made me feel normal! It is so nice to know that I am not the only one who goes through times like this.
I will be praying for you! I Know this is a period of time, that will soon pass, but these times are sometimes just no fun at all.
I so feel for you…i have been having a few weeks like that and it is just with my twins!
Have had those snappy partner moments too but it is so hard to stay happy and sane when you are exhausted….also understand the wanting time to self but wanting to see people too…hmmm none of this is helpful to you of course but i did want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way and i hope you get a rosy day or at least a little break soon!xx
Oh Caitlin 🙁
You are amazing – I don’t know how you keep it together. May God bless your household with peace & wisdom.
XX
Caitlin, thankyou thankyou thankyou for exposing yourself in a way we mums can relate to in vary degrees. Nothing I say will change anything but I believe prayer changes things. So you’re on the top of my list! Bless you!
Hi Caitlin
Think of you often.If we were still in Toowoomba, I would have loved to mind your beautiful family.Just remember you are a wonderful and normal Mum and Dad. You will certainly have something to talk about when they are all 21!Love to all. Margaret & Lloyd xx
Hey Caitlin,
I’m one of those who occasionally read yr blogs but never leave a comment 🙂 But this time I’m compelled to because I want to commend you for yr brutal honesty.
Thank you for being so real, so raw, so vulnerable. You’ve opened up yrself in a way most mums can relate to in various degrees. You’ve made my struggles (with just 2 kiddies) seem so small 🙂
I (still) don’t know how you pull everything together but you’re an amazing woman Caitlin. You’re doing a great job & yr kids’ beautiful development is a testament to that.
Keep the stories coming… you’re such a good writer. Will keep yr family in prayer.
Candice.
Hi Caitlin! Been meaning to post on this for a while, but my life is just as crazy as yours. 🙂 it is NUTS trying to balance the older kids with the babies and the stress level is often off the charts. I used to breathe deep and think “this, too, shall pass.” we all lose it sometimes and say/do things we normally wouldn’t, but everything comes out in the wash. My trio is now three and, while it is still stressful, it does get easier to keep everyone happy. Buy some earplugs and keep on trucking- you were chosen to be mommy to five, so you are super-momma! 🙂
Diane (mom of 9, 7 year old boys and 3- year-old GGB triplets)
Oh.My.Gosh. This sounds so familiar! Well…except for a lot of the things I cannot imagine – like two older children. But, yes, I can hear myself saying very similar things! And goodness, you are a wonderfully wise mother! What a great way to handle his disobedience! And thank you for your honesty! Oh, and for the laugh about the dog food. I think I am most impressed you still have a dog. I refuse to clean up more poop and messes than I already am. :o)