Mothers Day is always a lovely day to reflect on Motherhood.
I consider being a mother a gift from God. My husband and my children are the best gifts I have ever been given, and I treasure my family with all my heart.
I am constantly in awe that God has entrusted me with these two precious lives to raise. It is my strongest prayer that The Accountant and I are able to bring up two men who serve their God, are polite, strong, hard working and make a difference in this world. It is the hardest job I have ever done and the greatest job I can ever do.
For me, when I reflect on being a mother I always remember the journey to motherhood on the roller coaster of infertility. It took five years from when The Accountant and I began officially ‘trying’ until I discovered that I was pregnant with my J Boy.
Those years are some of the best and worst years of my life. I describe it as a roller coaster, because I can think of no better analogy. I have to admit, it’s not as fun as a roller coaster, and you don’t walk away laughing. When you walk away, you feel relieved that you survived.
I had the moments of clarity, at the high points. The moments when you push aside your pain for a moment, and just enjoy your husband. I thank God that we didn’t choose to constantly wallow in self pity, but made the most of our time alone together. We did some wonderful things, that you really can only do without children. We travelled to Asia, The Middle East and the USA as well as extensive explorations of Europe and the UK, (including living a year in London), we entertained friends and family without the hassle of factoring children into the equation, we were able to build up a healthy bank account (or course important to The Accountant) which has taken much the pressure off us when I did become a stay at home mother. We dined out regularly, saw shows and popped down to The Beach or made a trip to the city on a whim. And there was unique opportunities that we were able to serve God in our church without the responsibilities of parenthood.
And then there are the moments when you leave the heights and hurtle down steep slopes. You hang and pray that you’ll make it as emotions rush through you. “What if I never become a mother?” That phrase pounds in your mind, it clouds your vision, it weighs heavy on your heart. “What if I never become a mother? What if I never become a mother?” It is relentless, it’s always there, sometimes tucked away in the corner of your mind, sometimes there is nothing else you can think about. It is a worry, a concern it is your worst case scenario as your emotions hurtle down that slippery slope.
But then you pause. You reflect and consider that God is in control. You reflect that if you never do become a mother, it will be his will. The Bible says that God cares for us, He has the best planned for our lives, He has a plan and purpose. We have been placed on the planet for a reason. Could that reason not include motherhood? Is my worst case scenario in fact not the worst thing that could happen in my life? If God has other plans for my life, there may be pain, but surely his way is higher, his purpose is noble and true? As you consider this, you allow him to place an ointment on that open wound of infertility. You trust Him. You place all your faith, trust and confidence in Him, your future is in His hands, and even if it doesn’t turn out the way you plan, you know it will be great, and it will be good.
There is much solace in being in relationship with God.
Of course the roller coaster continues. There are moments of exhileration surging through you as you place your hand in God’s. Fear returns sometimes as you look at your circumstances and look at the twisting, jolting track before you. But you either shut your eyes or throw your hands in the air and embrace the life that you have been given and continue the ride with the best roller coaster companion ever, confident that you will not only survive, but it will be glorious.
Survive I did. I am always blessed that God did bestow the gift of Motherhood to me. I never understand why there are some of us who have to endure ‘the wait’ and why there are some that do not receive this gift of motherhood. But I know that there are other gifts that God has given them, that he is faithful and true and that he does not have favourites. Perhaps one day we will see the blueprints of his Divine masterplan, but until we do, we fix our eyes on Him, pick up our cross daily and follow Him. And as we do, we consider how fortunate we are to intimately know The God of the Universe who cares for us.