I’ve been a bit quiet. No reason. It’s just a busy life I lead at the moment. I thought I’d try to write a little post, just to kill the silence, but not to take too long, because I have no Nanny today, so there’s stuff I want to get done while the babies sleep. (Well two of them.)
Do you ever have patches in life where you just feel insecure and doubt yourself? I think I’m in one of those patches at the moment, and it annoys me. It annoys me, because I know all the positive things to say to myself, and I really do believe in the power of positive words and in believing in yourself and recognising your own abilities.
But those little niggles at the back of your mind, sometimes they just keep buzzing around. But the thing I’m reflecting on at the moment is, that which ones are negatives that if I listen to I can turn into a positive, and which ones should I just straight out ignore.
Here’s 2 examples of my current musings.
1. I had people around last night. My wonderful bookclub. I absolutely adore these women and hanging out with them and having conversations that span from being incredibly intellectual one moment and talking about poo and vomit the next.(They are all Mums) After they left, I went to have a shower and looked in the mirror and realised I looked all bedraggled and worn out. In the rush of the whole day. (I was still breastfeeding when the first person arrived early and hadn’t eaten dinner yet.) I had forgotten that my hair was a mess, I was wearing daggy home clothes inclusive of my ugly “Mum jeans”. (Trinny and Susannah would cut them up or tear them to shreds.), no make up and bags under my eyes. Because these ladies are beautiful people and good friends, I know they wouldn’t judge me for instant about my appearance. But I still didn’t like what I saw in the mirror at the end of the night. I don’t need to look a certain way. If I don’t want to wear make-up, I shouldn’t have to but I like wearing make-up and I think I look better with it on and I definitely feel better with it on. Given this is the way I feel and because I feel more confident when I feel like I’m looking good, should I be taking more pride in my appearance? Especially when I know that I’m going to be seeing people later in the day/night? (Taking into consideration I also took J Boy to soccer training that afternoon, so ‘the public’ was exposed to me twice in one day!) Some days I feel embarrassed when I look at my reflection at night just when I known the Nanny has been seeing me look like this all day. I can always find the time to put on a bit of make-up and tidy my hair, if not straighten it if I know I’m going out, so why don’t I just find the time during an ordinary day? Of course the alternate negative truth is, am I just being vain?
2. I can be outspoken at times. I have defined myself. I am a blurter. If I have been thinking and thinking about something. Sooner or later you will probably discover what my point of view is. This is not always a good thing, and it has often got me in trouble. Sometimes I know I’m going to say something to someone that I disagree with. I spend ages mulling over in my mind how to say it the nicest possible way. I also firmly tell myself what not to say. Then, on the spur of the moment, in the heat of the conversation or when I’m not sure what to say next – Blurt. Out comes whatever I didn’t want to say. Far out. Why can’t I have a re-wind button? I sincerely think that too many people don’t say what they feel when they should. Sometimes I think I need to speak up for them. I’m learning I don’t always need to. Sometimes I have learned it’s better to fight your own battles rather than get mixed up in someone elses. I’ve also learned that often people just don’t want any feedback that they would consider negative. And because the person doesn’t want the negative feedback, (I try to be more constructive then negative. I suppose it’s open to interpretation.) It’s pointless giving it. They end up angry at me and I end up digging a hole deeper by trying to explain myself. Sometimes I just get frustrated because I wish that people just can’t take on board a suggestion without being offended or think I’m trying to attack them. Sometimes I wish that everyone could just be blurters. We’d all just blurt something out, no one would be offended, they’d dismiss it without a second thought if it were irrelevent and be grateful for the feedback and take it as a chance to improve if the blurt was constructive. Ideal. But it’s not going to happen. I know because even though I try to react that way myself, there’s been many a blurt by other people that I’ve been stung by. But on my current blurting situation, I wonder, are some blurts what people need to hear? But I also wonder how much is my blurting just my ego rather then a conversation filtering problem? When is my blurting just making me a person people would rather not speak to? Is it a bit of both. How do I get better at communicating in love?
I think the crux of both these topics that have been on my mind, is that my thoughts can be incredibly self absorbed. The Holy Spirit had a little poke at me today, (in his gentlemanly manner), and reminded me to fix my sight on Jesus rather than myself. Instead of mulling over how I’m thinking and feeling, to pray, “Lord, not my will, but yours be done.”
Anyway, as it turns out this isn’t exactly a quick post. Welcome to the distractions in my mind. If you’ve got to hear, thanks for mind wandering with me. What are your thoughts? Do you want to offer me any words of wisdom? Or are you a blurter? How much pride do you place on appearance and being seen by others?